The real me…

I was going through some old journals I have tucked away here and there in my house. It has been strangely cathartic going through them and becoming reacquainted with myself. My journals date back years ago. It was comforting and familiar to meet myself again from five even fifteen years ago. What I noticed in reading my journals is that I was and still am very reflective. How I feel is extremely important and I think writing about my feelings has helped me grow through the years.

The more I think about it journals are incredibly important. People are so public now with face book, myspace, and tweetering. A journal is the complete opposite. You can work out what you want to in your life at times with writing and being self reflecting. Reading old journals can reintroduce you to the essence of who you were and who you have become and are now. Journals are a permenant reminder of yourself. We all have photos of years gone by, but journals I feel are photographs of your soul.

I continue to keep a journal and look forward to finding it tucked away somewhere years from now.

Peace and love

Looking for possibilities

At the start of the new year, we long to make changes, but our window of opportunity is open only briefly as we return to routine. We can take this chance to transform our anxieties about the future into strenths. I believe we each have the potential to grow in optimism and confidence, but one that is grounded in reality. For every one of us, there are sound reasons to believe in ourselves and our future. What is the positive thing about the future? It is all the possibilities. We need to allow for these possibilities, which can be very exciting. Because we do not know what is going to happen, many things can happen, but for many of us that can be a problem. We like certainties. So we tend to project certainties, rather than allowing things to be open. The certainties we know are the the certainties from the past, so we tend to project our past into the future. That at times is a problem for me because I do not tend to project past successes, I tend to project past anxieties. I have realized however that in doing this I do not allow myself to be hopeful. I need to remember to be more mindful, and look forward to the endless possibilities.

Peace and love

Working through it

It sounds simple. When we are holding on to something that we don’t need – we should probably let go. So why do we find it so difficult?

Attachment shapes our life from childhood. We form a bond with our parents, and these early relationships have an impact on all future relationships. When these relationships change, or when we experience a loss, we are faced with the difficult process of letting go. We usually don’t want to let go. We want to continue the attachment which has given us such fulfillment. We often want to continue the attachment even when it is no longer rational to want it.

There has been much written about the process of coping with a loss. Some have divided grief into stages. The most commonly cited stages, based on the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Recent work suggests that these are tasks, rather than stages. We all go through them in a different order, and we have to work through them rather than passively experience them. The final stage, acceptance, involves letting go and moving on.

While I still work through these “tasks” working through them has allowed me to face certain things within myself in regards to letting go. Not only with the death of my dad but other things too. I keep working through each task in the hopes of one day reaching acceptance and moving on.

Peace and love

LIfe is what you want it to be

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”- John Lennon

This quote is enough to make even the most compulsive goal addict stop and think. Most of us (if we are truly honest with ourselves) must admit that much of who we are and feel has been shaped by our external world –family, community, society, and religion. We feel that we must fulfill the many self-imposed and societal expectations to truly be successful. Unfortunately these expectations may in fact distract us from the magic that is available to experience in our everyday lives.

This quote makes me question how much of our lives we are truly present for. I mean really present with our mind, heart, and spirit. How is it possible to show up fully to embrace life while participating in the mundane rituals that we so often find ourselves consumed with? For me, life changed mostly because I developed a strong spiritual sense over recent years. This allowed me to step back to examine what I truly want for my life. When it comes down to it, those abstract things like peace, happiness, fulfillment, and abundance far outweigh chasing the tangibles of life. Similar to Lennon’s quote, Ringo Starr titled his eighth album “Stop and Smell the Roses” which conveys the same message. Now I make a point to notice every snow covered tree, a smile from a friend, a moment shared with another that brings me happiness.

So does this insightful quote mean that we abort all elements of our lives that resemble structure or a plan? Shall we throw caution to the wind and all fly by the seats of our pants as a way of life? I would say no. Here is where that cliché and sometimes overused term “being centered” comes in. Another way to describe this state is being balanced. In other words, make reasonable plans for your life but do not become so rigid that you do not notice and enjoy the parts of your life that are truly sweet.

Life and special people will pass you by as you chase what you feel or imagine is important.

So today I challenge you to see what you have not seen before during the course of your day.

Peace and love.

A fear of change

I have tried to defend myself against the onslaught of change. I build up concepts and images and hang on tight to what I have what what I know. At the bottom of holding on to these things is terror. I know no matter how tightly I hold on the world around me shifts and changes. I shift and change too.

I have come to this realization because I am at a very crucial point right now in my life. I need to stop working where I am working. It is toxic, yet I have convinced myself through the years that it serves a purpose, that some good comes from working there. There is no purpose, and the bottom line is that no good has ever come from working there. Clinging on to this job has only made my life more painful, and has filled it with anxiety. The image of this job I hold so tightly has began to shatter like glass.

I have started to let go, to not hold on so tight, and I have noticed my mind is more at peace. This relaxed attitude consoles me, comforts me. It reduces tension, anxiety, worry and fear.

I started to develope this attitude of not clinging by spending a certain amount of time alone. Many people cling to the experience of being with others out of fear of being lonely. Aloneness is not loneliness. Being alone has created space for me to think, reflect, meditate and frees my mind from noise and attachment. In this time alone I have realized the road to which I thought my life was heading has taken a very neccassary turn, one that needs me to let go. Let go of this job, do anything else that brings me the slightest joy, and happiness. Anything else.

I know I have more work to do before I can let go of something I have held so tightly to for so long, but what has made the difference now is that I am willing to let go and move on. I am willing to face what I need to face to make a change.

Peace and love

Zen

So I was reading this ancient Zen poem known as “Trust in the Heart Sutra.” One of my favorite lines in it is: “Do not seek for truth merely cease to cherish your own ideas and opinions.”

A Buddhist Sutra says, “Things are not always what they seem to be, nor are they otherwise.” This reminds me not to be so invested in what we think and expect. It is better to remain open to life and what it brings. Be open to the moment. When we have no expectaions, there are no disappointments. Easier said than done, however now more than ever I have started to put this knowledge to practice. I am tired of expecting things from people or certain situations only to feel the pain of being let down time and time again. I would not feel disappointed if I did not have certain expectaions. Reality is what it is, forever free and untouched by our projections and interpertations, as well as our hopes and anxieties about it.
Peace and love

He dies…..

When King Lear dies in act 5 of Shakespeare’s tragedy he writes, “he dies”. That is all nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is “he dies.” It takes Shakespeare, a genius to come up with “he dies”, and yet reading those words for the first time I found myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. I know it is only natural to be sad but not because of the words “he dies”, but because of the life we saw prior to the words. My father’s life ended with a simple and modest, “he died.” Life is a special occasion rise to it. Peace and love.

Love for always

So I had my mom over the other night for dinner and she was sharing with me how she missed my papi more than she could put into words, I tried the best that I could to understand her. I mean the relationship that I shared with my papi does not and will never compare to the one she shared with him. I talked to her about how I felt she in turn talked about what she thinks about daily. How she loved him so much. It was at times heartbreaking to see her and hear her talk about the love she misses so much. I started to think after she left why love is like this. How can you love someone so much, that your very life is so altered after they are gone. I found some quotes on love after she left. I read them and thought about them. It is so mind blowing all the different feelings, emotions, and thoughts that so many different people have on love. I would like to share some of the quotes…

“Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it” – Swedish proverb
“Whoever loves becomes humble those who love have, so to speak pawned a part of their narcissism” -Sigmund Frued
“There is no remedy to love but to love more” – Henry David thoreau
“A heart that loves is always young” -Greek poverb
“The more I give to thee the more I have, for both are infinite” – William Shakespeare
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down” -anonymous
“There is no substitute for great love who says no matter what is wrong with you, you’re welcomed at this table” -Tom Hanks
“Everything is clearer when your in love” – John Lennon
“I like to think that love is a reciprocol thing,that it can’t really be felt truly by one” -Seasn Penn
“The greater your capacity to love the greater your capacity to feel the pain” -Jennifer Anniston
“There is definitly a dangerous feeling when you are in love it is giving your heart to someone else and knowing that they have some control over your feelings. I know for me who tries to be guarded that is a scary thing” -(me) Elizabeth Rangel

So whatever quote you can relate to, know this, it is greater to love and feel the pains loving someone so much can bring, then never know the feeling at all. Peace and love…

Using the Power of Words to Build Deeper Connections

The connection we make with others, both superficial and profound, most often begins with the spoken word. We use words to convey what we think, and we use words to express how we feel. When we are trying to deepen our connections or resovle differences we typically use the power of the spoken or written word. More often than not what we say and how we say it determines the quality of any relationship.

If there is one thing that any one of us could do that would automatically improve the quality of our relationships, it would be to become more conscious of what we say and how we say it. All of our relatiosnhips would be changed and transformed when we change and transform ourselves.

An important reason for staying conscious in our speech is to avoid later regrets. We can use words skilfully or unconsciously. We can use words to heal or to hurt. Our words can help us fulfill our highest intentions. I think it would really help all of us if, before we speak, we could stop just for a momment to make certain that what we are about to say accurately reflects our hearts intentions.

Peace and love…

Be aware of what is within…

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
- George Elliot

Lately I have been doing a lot of self reflecting, and meditating. Self reflection helps us heal our lives. The first step in any process of change involves facing and accepting the problem that needs changing.

In doing this I have found that there is much that needs to be changed and I am happy that I have the power and the will to make these changes. More to come at a later date, until then peace and love….

Live like you are dying

I found myself missing my papi very much today, yet remembering a memory and smiling. With the smile came tears. I was remembering two weeks before my Papi died my mom, Jen, and I took him to Strong hospital which was to be his last appointment, we just did not know it.

When we were driving around the hospital my papi noticed a hot dog stand. He said on the way out if the vendor was still there could we please stop to get him a hot dog. We all said sure, we all could go for one too. It was a warm and suny day. My papi was happy that day, he was happy because he had made it to this appointment, he was happy to be alive.

So we entered the doctors office, and in a instant my life changed forever. I saw the x-rays of my papi’s lungs. There was no part of any of his lungs that were healthy. The doctor listened to his lungs, then I asked to listen to his lungs they sounded like leaves crunching under your feet. The doctor told us we needed to make him as comfortable as possible, and raise the oxygen when he needed it. We walked out of the office with a scrip for morphine. The walk back to the car was somber, yet my papi kept the mood positive. He talked about how finally the weather for his standards was perfect then out of no where he said are we still going to get some hot dogs ? We all began to laugh.

My papi was not scared, or angry, or even upset. He was maybe without knowing it being very mindful of that moment. He was happy because it was a beautiful day and he wanted a hot dog. We blocked traffic and we got him a hot dog, we joined him and ate one too.

Life is so much more enjoyable when you stop and appreciate the little things. My papi taught me that in the last months of his life. I learned to except things I can not change. I learned to be more mindful of moments that make me happy. I learned to put myself out there to people even if that means getting hurt. Life is beautiful.

While I find myself missing him, I also find myself appreciating every last lesson about life that he taught me.

Peace and love to all.

There is something……

So I was watching a movie the other day, called my Sister’s Keeper. During one of the scenes of the movie they played a beautiful song the words are below. As I read the lyrics, I began to think about what feels like home to me. I think we all at times need to take a sort of inventory when it comes to what we have in our lives. What makes us who we are. What people bring joy into our world. While this year was hard with the death of my father, I still have a life that is worth living. A life that needs to be lived to the fullest. I have a sense of peace in knowing I do have so much good in my life and the people in it I hold them near my heart always, because of them I know it will always feel like “I am all the way back where I belong.”

Lyrics to “Feels like home”-

There’s something in your eyes
Makes me wanna lose my self,
Makes me wanna lose myself in your arms
There’s something in your voice
That makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
For the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely
My life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren rings in the night
But I’m all right cuz I have you here with me,
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Well if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I’d love anyone so much

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong.

Peace and love to all …..

Finding a spiritual center

Just as the unexamined life is a life poorly lived. No life is complete without some effort to connect with the deeper meaning of our existence. Whether we are jewish, Buddhist, Christian, or a non- believer, when we as seekers begin to reconnect more deeply with our spiritual centers we begin to achieve a greater realization of the profound wisdom and the intuitive awareness that is a natural part of each of us. This kind spirituality allows us to naturally recognize the inseparability of self and other. We gain the wisdom to see the relationship between the whole and its many parts. The more we cultivate our spirituality the more we become sensitive to what those around us see and feel. Cultivating a heightened spritual discernment and awareness helps us become a more kinder, caring type of person.

Peace and love

A connection to each other

Life is about relationships. The relationship we have with ourselves, with each other, as well as the connection to that which is beyond any of us yet immanent in each of us. When our relationships are good we feel good. When they are bad we feel awful. Life would be so much easier if we all just accepted that we need each other. We need to feel connected; we need to feel each other’s presence and love.

I was reading an article the other day that stated that ancient scriptures in India say that we are all part of a universal web of light. All in one and one in all. We are never disconnected from a whole. I believe that. Nonetheless there are tmes where I feel disconnected from this knowledge. I just lose sight of where I belong and experience intense feelings of loneliness, alienation, and confusion. When I allow myself to feel what I need to feel in that moment, I am able to work through it, I become centered, and I get back on my spiritual journey of discovering who I am. We are all connected.

Peace and love

Emotional connection

I feel appreciation is vital for living well, but appreciation is not a basic emotion like happiness or sadness so practicing it is our best way to show it.. When we do not show appreciation we disconnect from those around us.

Appreciating people proactively for their good qualities and who they are as well as reactively for when a person has done something for us is key to having successful relationships. Letting someone you love know who they are is important to you can make a big difference. Be honest about how you feel. There is never a better time than now, so just speak from the heart and go for it. I have a very close family. In every area we all are very close. We are a family that is not scared to show emotion, or be honest with one another. This way of being has carried over to my personal relationships with my close circle of friends. I try to never let an oppportunity pass, where if I feel something I say it, I show it. It makes me feel good to be this forthcoming, and honest and I hope that it makes the receiver feel just as good or even better.

Speaking from the heart, being honest, showing appreciation can make all the difference.

Peace and love.